hoping for the best

its funny to go back and read these entries
and notice that most of them are about one boy.

my anxiety about a boy.
hah.


i need to relax.

im so confused.

i always want to feel this feeling.
but when ever i think i might have finally got the feeling.
its not quite there.

im not sure how to explain it.
but its one of those really deep feelings
the ones that feel like they touch your heart.
it makes you feel indestructible and the happiest you can feel in your life.
only one person can give it to someone.

maybe its my own fault i cant feel this.
i have been holding back.
im afraid to let it all down.

Sometimes i really think im an on the bench friend.
You keep me on the side lines until you feel like you have no one that cares
and im the one to pull out when you have no body.
thats all i ever was and all i have been to you.


im not here to be your friend when its convenient for you.
and thats that.

i love remembering how things were
i read the entry, and got the feeling.
my heart fell deeper and my eyes burned.

i wish i had her to talk to for some guidance.
so then she could tell me that i have to high of expectations.
im living in the past, that its me not them.
( she was good at pointing out those things)

but i have come to realize one thing by myself.
relationships aren't all romance they take a lot of work
a lot of hard work. they can really hurt at times.
but in the end i want it so bad that its all worth it.

so betrayed, so upset, and so angry for letting it hurt me so bad.
i just want to scream for it happening but i also want to cry and fix things.
neither will help i know.

i want to cry but i just can't let myself.

so maybe i'm a little jealous

most of all im angry, angry for trusting, angry for caring.

its just another story with the same ending, the same every time.

i know, i know. quit dwelling in the past
but damn it it just sucks so much sometimes.

life is pretty good though, dont get me wrong.

i would just like to fix some things.

oh well life goes on.

one of those moods where i feel so deep. like all my emotions are coming together. its senseless. but its like i feel so much of one feeling, or have so much feeling about one person that its overwhelming and i dont know whether i want to cry or to laugh. i think i know what feeling it is in the end.

today things werent the same. they werent average when i thought of things, when i said things, when things happened it didnt feel the same. everything just meant more. though they didnt realize it or didnt feel the same i did.

for the first time in a long time everything went from fast to slow. things made more since, they had depth, feeling.

this feeling, it makes me want to open up.

it has been to long to feel this way all day and have not been able to complete it.

just when i think im at a low point.

he brings me up. i always wonder how does he do it.

being in love...is amazing.

"And she said, 'I think we're running out of alcohol
Tonight I hate this fucking town
And all my best friends will be the death of me
But they won't ever remember, remember
So please take me far away
Before I melt into the ground
And all my words get used against me'"


....i know that feeling.

im so negative lately.
reading my entries i noticed i sound so negative and angry. but i mostly post entries when i feel trapped or feel like i dont have anyone to talk to.
gosh i dont know im just up and down all the time.
everytime i try to write about this same feeling i get it never makes since.

i wonder if anyone feels the same way i do. its just indescribable.

im just not as emotionaly mature as i thought i was. i cry to much. i hurt so easily.

i try and be mean and uncaring but then i end up crying cause i feel so bad, im obviously not built to be emotionally tough.
maybe i should join the army that might make me tuff.

or maybe i could get brain surgery and they could remove the part of my brain that makes me cry and makes sad.

the more i type the more retarded this is getting. but i guess all im trying to say is i need to toughen up or quit getting so involved with people. so i can stop looking like an idiot.